DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.