“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

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WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind


Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!


I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.


Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.


GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”


[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.


I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.


DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time