Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
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today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I don’t get marriage
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.