dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
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My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
incredible
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Ron is short for Aaronald
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*