@HushJared

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

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@IfIwassomething

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

@writerPT

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

@bylinetd

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

@get_em_girl

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

@KeetPotato

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

@Tmoney68

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

@Psycholane

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.