dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
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Said the murderer.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Phonetics
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?