@IfIwassomething Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
@HushJared dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
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@IfIwassomething 
@garyfromteenmom doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
@LORDWHEEZER So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
@writerPT It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
@bylinetd My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
@get_em_girl Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
@KeetPotato “just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
@Tmoney68 My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
@TrentsNutmeg People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
@Psycholane Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.