Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child