dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
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this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn