Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight