Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
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[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.