Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.