Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
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The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
adding to the discourse
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.