DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Phonetics
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
me irl
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Anyone really
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.