Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
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Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.