@AmberTozer

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

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@meganamram

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

@kingofcreame

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

@BuckyIsotope

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

@markydoodoo

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

@Ygrene

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

@iwearaonesie

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

@EllaZee5

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

@3sunzzz

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

@trevso_electric

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁