Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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