Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
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So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Meanwhile in Canada…
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.