Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I was just discussing this with my cat
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.