Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
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Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
*seductively corrects your posture*
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND