Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
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[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.