Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
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CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Just parrot things
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.