Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
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I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
what it’s like dating me:
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.