Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.