DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
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Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats