[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.