Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
what’s really going on
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe