DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
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I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.