DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
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Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.