Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
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STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.