Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
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(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude