Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
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The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
馃拃馃拃馃ぃ Why are we like this?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If my dude is messaging you.. he鈥檚 your dude..
Keep. Him. 馃槀
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom鈥檚 muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don鈥檛 think he realizes he鈥檚 on mute.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 馃枻
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
goldfish mafia
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
A friend sent me this and now I can鈥檛 think of anything else
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it鈥檚 not safe to ride any animal that鈥檚 stoned.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.