DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
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Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.