DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
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interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.