DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.


being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.


Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.


(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?


Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.


ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]


Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?


My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”


Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.