Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
You Might Also Like
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Worst bar ever.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.