Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
You Might Also Like
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.