Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
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Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed