Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
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If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.