Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I cannot stop laughing at this
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*