daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
You Might Also Like
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”