Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
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I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.