Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.