Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic