Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Hello Twits.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.