DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
You Might Also Like
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.