Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
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Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Just had my nails done!
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me irl
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.