Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

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Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.


Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame


As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.


Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.


Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.


If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or


*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”


Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday