Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Botany good plants lately?
LMAO.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Your secret is safeish with me
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect