Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
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When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
they split up moments later
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz