Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
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Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
hi why am I like this