Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
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Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK