Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
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I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)