Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.